Sweet 16 today! In just a few days you will go to take your road test and (hopefully) get your driver's license and then before I know it you will be driving away. It doesn't seem possible, yet here we are. I've spent some time over the last year riding in the passenger seat while you learn to drive. I won't lie. It's been a nerve-wracking experience. There have been times I felt certain the car was going right off the road as you went around a curve. Times I felt certain you would not stop in time at the red light. My palms have been sweaty. My foot has stomped the imaginary brake over and over. My knuckles have been white as I've gripped the door handle. I've never been a very nervous passenger, but when your child is driving the car, it's a little different. I mean look at that face up there- how can he be in control of an entire automobile all by himself? He's still supposed to be in the back strapped in the booster seat. What a metaphor for these wild teenage years.
It feels like in a blink of an eye I've gone from buckling you in your car seat- completely in control- to buckling my seat belt while you take the driver's seat- completely out of control. That is a very hard part of parenting. You grow an entire human being inside your body from a tiny cell, and from the moment they are born every breath, every step pulls them further and further from your grasp and from your protection. It happens so gradually that you barely even notice that it is changing and then all of a sudden you blink and realize that everything is different. The truth, of course, is that they were never truly within your grasp or your protection, but parents try to convince themselves that we are in control. While they are tucked inside your womb kicking and turning- yours alone- you convince yourself that they are safe and then they are born and although you are so happy to see their little face and kiss the little feet that have been kicking you, a part of you grieves that protection that is lost now that they are here in the big scary world. As you hold that baby in your arms and carry them everywhere they go, you convince yourself that they are safe in your arms and then they take their first steps and you are so happy and excited and proud, but a part of you grieves those first bumps on their little bottoms and heads as they try and fall and try again. And so it goes... first time to school, first bike ride, first overnight stay, first camp... every first is a step away and a little more realization that that illusion of control that we thought we had as parents is slipping away. Boy, have I had some hard lessons about that this year- and many of them had nothing to do with driving. I'm sure as we look back at this time, you and I both will remember that this has been a very tough and rocky year. You and I both have had to learn that there are many things beyond my control.
But as I prepare to watch you drive away that first time in a car all by yourself, I know who is in control. I remember so well how I felt on my 16th birthday. I felt free, full of hope, the whole world open before me on an open road. I want that for you, too, but your world is different than mine. You have been faced with things that I would have never wished for you. That I would have never chosen for you if I were in control. As I watch you struggle with things much much harder than a 16 year old should ever have to face, I have had to accept I am not in control. But I know who is in control. I know who holds your future. It is the same One who formed you in my womb and knew every hair on your head before you were ever created. And I know He has a plan for you. I trust that He has a perfect plan for you and that although we may not know or understand that all things will work together for His glory. So, whether driving or navigating life, I pray that you will seek His will and guidance and follow His path. I pray He will protect you and keep you. I pray He will make his face to always shine upon you. I pray He will calm my nerves and help me to remember who is in control.
Take your place in the driver's seat, son. The open road lies before you. There will be twists and turns and roadblocks and traffic jams and wrong turns and maybe even some U turns here and there, but it will be an amazing journey- this I am sure! Be free, but be safe. And let Jesus take the wheel!!!
I love you so very much, Evan. Happy sweet 16th birthday!
Love,
Your very anxious mom
