Dear Evan

 Sweet 16 today! In just a few days you will go to take your road test and (hopefully) get your driver's license and then before I know it you will be driving away. It doesn't seem possible, yet here we are. I've spent some time over the last year riding in the passenger seat while you learn to drive. I won't lie. It's been a nerve-wracking experience. There have been times I felt certain the car was going right off the road as you went around a curve. Times I felt certain you would not stop in time at the red light. My palms have been sweaty. My foot has stomped the imaginary brake over and over. My knuckles have been white as I've gripped the door handle. I've never been a very nervous passenger, but when your child is driving the car, it's a little different. I mean look at that face up there- how can he be in control of an entire automobile all by himself? He's still supposed to be in the back strapped in the booster seat.  What a metaphor for these wild teenage years. 

It feels like in a blink of an eye I've gone from buckling you in your car seat- completely in control- to buckling my seat belt while you take the driver's seat- completely out of control. That is a very hard part of parenting. You grow an entire human being inside your body from a tiny cell, and from the moment they are born every breath, every step pulls them further and further from your grasp and from your protection. It happens so gradually that you barely even notice that it is changing and then all of a sudden you blink and realize that everything is different. The truth, of course, is that they were never truly within your grasp or your protection, but parents try to convince themselves that we are in control. While they are tucked inside your womb kicking and turning- yours alone- you convince yourself that they are safe and then they are born and although you are so happy to see their little face and kiss the little feet that have been kicking you, a part of you grieves that protection that is lost now that they are here in the big scary world. As you hold that baby in your arms and carry them everywhere they go, you convince yourself that they are safe in your arms and then they take their first steps and you are so happy and excited and proud, but a part of you grieves those first bumps on their little bottoms and heads as they try and fall and try again. And so it goes... first time to school, first bike ride, first overnight stay, first camp... every first is a step away and a little more realization that that illusion of control that we thought we had as parents is slipping away. Boy, have I had some hard lessons about that this year- and many of them had nothing to do with driving. I'm sure as we look back at this time, you and I both will remember that this has been a very tough and rocky year. You and I both have had to learn that there are many things beyond my control. 

But as I prepare to watch you drive away that first time in a car all by yourself, I know who is in control. I remember so well how I felt on my 16th birthday. I felt free, full of hope, the whole world open before me on an open road. I want that for you, too, but your world is different than mine. You have been faced with things that I would have never wished for you. That I would have never chosen for you if I were in control.  As I watch you struggle with things much much harder than a 16 year old should ever have to face, I have had to accept I am not in control. But I know who is in control. I know who holds your future. It is the same One who formed you in my womb and knew every hair on your head before you were ever created. And I know He has a plan for you. I trust that He has a perfect plan for you and that although we may not know or understand that all things will work together for His glory. So, whether driving or navigating life, I pray that you will seek His will and guidance and follow His path. I pray He will protect you and keep you. I pray He will make his face to always shine upon you. I pray He will calm my nerves and help me to remember who is in control. 

Take your place in the driver's seat, son. The open road lies before you. There will be twists and turns and roadblocks and traffic jams and wrong turns and maybe even some U turns here and there, but it will be an amazing journey- this I am sure! Be free, but be safe. And let Jesus take the wheel!!!

I love you so very much, Evan. Happy sweet 16th birthday! 

Love, 

Your very anxious mom

Dear Chloe

 Dear Chloe,

Today you are 12 years old and you will be entering into 7th grade. You are an excellent student- you make our lives easy as far as academics go. You are responsible and conscientious and always make all A's. I'm so proud of you for working hard in school and excelling. Even with virtual education from March until the end of the year, you did great and was always on top of what you needed to do. 

In your usual fashion, you are exploring some new activities this year. You decided you would like to swim again this summer, and you are competing on the brand new Lenoir City Betta Swim team. You are competing with a few familiar faces from the Tellico Village team, but also making new friends as well. You are swimming with the 11-12 year olds, which means 50 yard swims in every category, but you are doing great! You hate the butterfly stroke, but they like to see you compete in it and you have even won some ribbons!

You also decided you would like to give competitive gymnastics a try this year. You will be competing with the Tennessee Elite Gymnastics Excel Team in the Silver category. Although, Excel is a little less intense than a junior olympic track of competition, you are still practicing 6 hours a week in the gym. After just one year of classes in "real" gymnastics- with bars, beam, vault, floor, etc- they invited you to join the team. Sometimes you worry that you are not good enough or not making progress quickly enough, but you have mastered all of your silver level skills and are just refining and perfecting. I watch you get stronger and stronger every day and I am amazed by you!

You are also back in Horse Camp this year and want to continue riding lessons as soon as we can. So, you have been a very busy girl this summer- some days you have practiced swim from 7:00-9:00, gone straight to a full day of horse camp, and then practiced gymnastics from 4-7. I don't know how you do it! But, we feel fortunate that you are able to do these since we have been without any extracurricular activities since March. Everything is just starting to pick back up and of course it looks very different. But it is a relief after having to miss so much in the spring. 

We are still in the middle of a global pandemic and although we are no longer quarantined to our houses except for necessities, we are limited to the number of people who can gather and required to wear masks in public in most places. This means everything looks different- swim meets, gymnastics practice, horse camp, shopping, birthday parties... everything. But, at least we are slowly getting back to being able to do the things we love and see some friends and family. 

I won't lie- the pandemic is tough. Lots of time indoors. Not much time with friends. Way too much social media- but it's the only way to stay in touch with friends. You have founds some new ways to occupy your time and socialize. You have embraced some friends in the neighborhood and you guys have formed a little bit of a "bike gang". You even created a random clubhouse with chairs and twinkle lights in the middle of a random neighbor's HUGE fir tree (I really hope that neighbor doesn't mind). I enjoy seeing you active and out of the house with friends. It reminds me a little of my own childhood and makes me a little nostalgic. 

But, there are many things you face right now that are very different from my childhood. Social media is one thing. Social issues are another. More and more tweens/teens are dealing with or hearing about very complex issues right now and we have very complex issues in our world right now- race issues in our country, protests, the pandemic, and many other issues of identity that our tweens/teens are facing way too early. Many teens/tweens are struggling with mental health and you and your friends are not different. I'll be honest, this is soooo scary for me as a mom and I worry so much about you. I know you are trying to figure out who you are. I see you "try on" different images... different clothes, different friends, etc. This is no different than it has ever been for teens/tweens- I used to try out different looks, handwriting, even nicknames and names! But, today, there are so many really serious identities to try out and I worry as I see you wrestling with some of these ideas- some that I honestly don't think you are ready to wrestle with. 

One thing that has always stood out about you is your self-confidence. You have always believed you could do anything, and when you put your mind to it, you pretty much did. There are so many times I have stood in amazement because you seem completely fearless, when I'm often afraid. I've never seen you back down from a challenge or fail when you wanted to achieve something. You have also always been confident in just being Chloe. You don't have to follow the crowd. You are ok to go it alone, yet you are also able to get along with and work with a variety of people from all different "crowds". I still see this in you, but I also see it somewhat wavering. I see the doubt and the fear creeping in. I see you worry more about what people think. I see you worry more about if you are good enough, pretty enough, nice enough.... just enough. 

I want you to know that you are always enough. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are EXACTLY who God intended you to be. He has instilled in you unique gifts and talents that are yours alone and He desires you to use them for His glory. No matter what anyone else ever tells you, no matter what it seems the world may say in the media, no matter if people like you or don't like you (because there will always be those that don't), I hope that you always remember that you are a princess. I know, I know... right now the last thing you want to be is a princess (the girly, girl image is out right now). But, like it or not, sister, you are because you are a daughter of a King and He will never leave you or forsake you. Even your dad and I will disappoint and hurt you. Sometimes it may feel like we do that a lot right now and you may not understand us at all, and sometimes you probably don't even like us or respect who we are or what we believe. That's ok. In fact, it's normal and it will probably get worse as you are firmly and pre-teen right now and on the cusp of what will no doubt be some tumultuous years for us. The truth is, we don't know it all either. Sometimes we are right and sometimes we may be wrong. We try to guide you the best we know how and we try to keep you from making mistakes that we made, but in the end you will figure these things out for yourself. It is not our opinion of you or your beliefs that matter. It is not your friend's. Your worth is found in the fact that God was willing to send his son to die to save you. He created you and gave you unique gifts. And He finds you worthy and beautiful. So, no matter what else you may feel, always be confident that you are enough because of Him. Hold firm in that promise and the weight of the world's opinions will begin to slide off your back. I just heard this song and it is perfect for how I feel. 

"Hey there beautiful one, you there shining with glory

Would you let your heart hear, if I sang about you

Did you know that every fairy tale you loved they have borrowed your story

Of a maiden so lovely, and a hero so true

It's just that this world is hollow

And it wants to swallow

Any memory of who you really are

Always remember to never forget

When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes

Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful

So always remember to never forget

Always remember to never forget

Like a treasure in the deep, your heart is a diamond

And your hero will do what it takes to find it

So he can hold it tenderly, and become your defender

Even lay down his life, just to make your heart his

It's just that this world is hollow

And it wants to swallow

Any memory of who you really are

Always remember to never forget

When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes

Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful

So always remember to never forget

Always remember to never forget"

-Christy Nockels

Happy birthday to my beautiful Chloe. I love you more than you can ever know!

Love, 

Mom

Dear Evan

 Here is a confession. The date on this post is going to say May 24, 2020 because I like to keep things nice and tidy, but the truth is that I am writing this on November 13, 2020. Partly because I've been busy, but mostly because I honestly haven't known what to say. Also because I am so far behind on updating, your 14 year old letter was one of the last posts. As I read through that letter to you... so full of hope and excitement for your upcoming journey into high school... a little trepidation, sure... but positive you were beginning the best years of your life, and when I reflect back on the last year I feel, honestly so sad. 

The last year has taken the breath out of all of us. I'm certainly not going to hash it all out here in this letter that I want you to cherish for the rest of your life. But, you will remember what I mean when I say the last year has been rough. On you. On me. On your dad. On your sisters. On our family. Rough. And it is not because of the pandemic- although that has not helped. You have been treading through some dark waters. Some of them your choices, some of them beyond your control. We have tried to tread beside you. Honestly, I've tried to wrap my arm around your neck and haul you to shore... but in all honesty, I think it has just caused us both to slip further into the water. So, today, I saw this devotional. And finally, I felt like I knew what to say....

"I would have pulled Joseph out. Out of that pit. Out of that prison. Out of that pain. I would have cheated nations out of the one God would use to deliver them from famine.

I would have pulled David out. Out of Saul's spear-throwing presence. Out of the caves he hid away in. Out of the pain of rejection. I would have cheated Israel out of a God-fearing king.

I would have pulled Esther out. Out of being snatched from her only family. Out of being placed in a position she never asked for. Out of the path of a vicious, power-hungry foe. I would have cheated a people out of the woman God would use to save their very lives.

I would have pulled Jesus off. Off of the cross. Off of the road that led to suffering and pain. Off of the path that would mean nakedness and beatings, nails and thorns. I would have cheated the entire world out of a Savior. Out of salvation. Out of an eternity filled with no more suffering and no more pain. 

And oh friend (my son). I want to pull you out. I want to change your path. I want to stop your pain. But right now I know I would be wrong. I would be out of line. I would be cheating you and cheating the world out of so much good. Because God knows. He knows the good this pain will produce. He knows the beauty this hardship will grow. He's watching over you and keeping you even in the midst of this. He's promising you that you can trust Him. Even when it feels like more than you can bear.

So instead of trying to pull you out, I'm lifting you up. I'm kneeling before the Father and I'm asking Him to give you strength. To give you hope. I'm asking Him to protect you and to move you when the time is right. I'm asking Him to help you stay prayerful and discerning. I'm asking Him how I can best love you, and be a help to you. I'm believing He's going to use your life in powerful and beautiful ways. Ways that will leave your heart grateful and humbly thankful for this road you've been on."

-Kimberly Henderson Proverbs 31 Ministries

Evan, it is still honestly hard to find words to talk about this last year. I've been so afraid, so sad, so worried. And I know that what you have been going through has likely been just as bad if not worse. I have wanted to pull you out, so much. I have tried to pull you out in all the ways I think it should happen. I have reasoned. I have punished. I have yelled. I have cried. I have begged. I have threatened. I have agonized over what to do, how to parent. I have felt so alone. I have felt like such a failure. I have been embarrassed, ashamed. I have felt like I was watching you slip away. Watching a beautiful, promising future slip away. And everything I did, every decision I made, every word I said, sometimes even the breath I breathed seemed to be wrong and to make it worse. So very worse. This devotional hit home so hard because... honestly... now I understand what I've been doing wrong. I can't pull you out. I am going to have to lift you up. Don't get me wrong, I've prayed.. oh how I've prayed this past year... but I don't think I've been praying in the right way.

We've had a good week this week. You seem to be edging toward the light. Beginning to swim all on your own. I am going to stop trying to drag you and instead I'm going to swim beside you. When you need it, I'll give a helping hand... if you ask for it. I'll make sure you have a life vest... if you'll take it. But, I understand now that this is your journey and something you have to figure out on your own. It may not happen the way I want it to. It may not have the outcome I want it to. I will accept that. 

And I will pray that God will give you strength, give you hope. I'm asking Him to protect you, begging him to protect you. I'm asking Him to move you when the time is right. I'm asking Him to help you stay close to Him... not to drift too far away. To stay discerning. And most of all, I'm praying for Him to show me how best to love you and to be a help to you. And I pray that someday we will both look back on this time and see the beauty in the ashes. 

I do trust Him. I trust in His word and in His promise. The promise I quoted for you last year... my favorite verse... is still true now. I know He will give you hope and a future. I love you so much, Evan. I hope someday you will understand how very much I love you and how scary that love can be sometimes as a parent. How fierce and and how all-consuming and how absolutely terrifying. 

That love causes a parent to feel the most unignorable desire to pull you out. Pull you out of the crib when you cry for us. Pull you into our arms when you are hurt. Pull you away from danger. Pull you out of a painful situation. Pull you away from failure and heartbreak. We hold tight to your hand so that we can pull you at a moment's notice when you are little. When you start to let go of our hand, we hold tight in other ways.... until the day when you are beyond our grasp. We can no longer pull and the truth is, we probably should have not been pulling all those times... so please forgive me. Forgive me for hurtful words that may have been said, for trying to help but only making it worse.  Forgive me for all the mistakes I have made and please believe me when I say they have been made out of love. No more pulling... only lifting from here on out. I promise you I will do my best to only lift and to be there for you, to go through it with you because I understand that may still be hard times to come. 

I love you, Evan. Happy birthday, buddy!

Love, 

Mom

Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Dear Caroline

Happy 4th birthday, sweet girl! You are so smart and funny and beautiful. You amaze me every day with the words you learn and use and the funny things you say. You love to play with your toys and make up little stories with them and I love to hear your sweet little voice.

This year was your first birthday party with your friends there and you had such a wonderful time. You are a sweet friend and I'm so glad you have been able to make friends in your preschool class this year.

You seem to grow and change before my very eyes! It is exciting to see you learn and grow and do so many new things, but I also want to cherish you as you are right now. Your sweet little hands, your arms around my neck.. your sweet little voice. You tell me "I love you" all the time and I love it so very much. You love to snuggle with me at night in my bed. You give the best hugs and kisses. And you are so happy and grateful for everything.

I love to see the world through your eyes. Next year, you are coming to Mommy's school for pre-K. I honestly can't wait. I can't wait to be with you every day to see you learn and grow and make friends and to share it all with you.

Happy birthday, sweet Caroline! I love you so very much! Thank you for letting me see the world through your beautiful eyes!

Love,

Mommy

3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Dear Chloe

Today you are eleven years old. This has been a great year for you! You sailed right into middle school without a care in the world. You have done so well in school and you have developed some new interests. You decided to play basketball this year, and you grew so much. It was so fun watching you and your brother play under the same number this year.

You also decided to join drama club this year and you were amazing! It was a small number of you performing "The Wright Sisters", but you were so calm and cool... even in front of the entire school! You also joined the band this year and you have done well learning to read music and play the clarinet. You seem to like music and have also been teaching yourself the ukelele.

You and your friends are so smart and funny and witty! I love to listen to you guys together. You love writing stories and poetry, and creating movies together.

Middle school can be a tough time and I hope it is not for you. Right now, you are full of confidence and I love that about you! You work hard and try hard at all that you do and you don't much care what anyone else thinks or says. I hope you keep that confidence in yourself. Because you are right... you can do anything you put your mind to and work for... always believe that and I promise I will believe it for you, too.

I love you so much Chloe. You make me so very proud to be your mom.

Happy birthday, Bug!

Love,
Mom

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.” - Ecclesiastes 9:10 (NIV)

Dear Evan

How is it possible that you are finished with middle school and headed off to high school? More than ever, as I watch all of your middle school "lasts", I feel as if time is slipping through my fingers so quickly and no matter how much I try to hold onto it, I can't. What will the next 4 years bring?

I expect it will bring lots of new "firsts" for you and for us. I know your dad and I will have to learn to navigate parenting an increasingly independent young man. Balancing between letting you go, letting you decide, letting you act and holding on, holding back, advising. It's a tough place to be as a parent- especially for the first time.

Four years. Four years is what we have left with everything just the way it is right now. Four years with all the birds in the nest. Four years to get you ready to fly. Four years for us to get ready to fly. When I think of that, it terrifies me, to be completely honest.

Before you went to kindergarten, I remember this feeling of panic... that you weren't ready. The time had been too short. I had not done enough, taught you enough. I was not ready. I have to admit I feel a little bit like that right now, too. It feels like the beginning of an end, but I'm trying my best not to think of it that way.

Four years. There is a lot of life and love to happen in four years. Four years ago you were turning 10. Still a boy, but beginning to transition into "tween". I can still see that big smile that you still threw away so easily back then. The boy voice from that 10 year old has gone.. it seemed to change overnight. The thin arms and legs are becoming muscular. The soft boy face and jaw replaced by something... harder, firmer, more decisive. Yes, four years goes by quickly, too quickly even... but I'm so grateful for four years. We have a lot to do, a lot to learn in four years and I can't wait for it.

It has been so fun watching you and your friends over the last few weeks of middle school. I'm so glad you have wonderful friends. You are getting ready to enter four of the best years of your life. I know it will not always feel that way, but these next four years are going to be full of fun and amazing memories for you and your friends. I pray that these friendships will continue to strengthen and that you will make friends that will last your whole life.

It is hard for me to even close my eyes and imagine what the next four years will bring... fun, memories, school spirit, driving, dating.... learning, growing, changing. Yes, we both have a lot to do in the next four years. We both have a lot of getting ready to do. But I know we are up to the challenge. I pray that as we learn and grow and change, we do so together and not apart.

Just as I watched you take your first steps away from me... your first steps into school... this fall I will watch you take your first steps toward something else. Something all your own and less of me. Yes, I worry... are we ready? But ready or not, here we go!

Deep down, I know you are. I know you will do amazing things and just as it has been for your entire life, it will be my privilege to watch you learn and grow. I love you so much, Evan. Happy birthday, buddy!

Love,
Mom

Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”

Dear Evan

You are a TEENAGER! AAAAHHHH!

I don't know how on Earth 13 years flew by so quickly or how you can be going into 8th grade- your LAST year of middle school- or how you can possibly be a teenager. Time seems so short all of a sudden. Three years and you will be DRIVING. Five years and you will be GRADUATING.
We has WAY less years left with you here at home than we've already had. It is so hard for me comprehend, but time keeps marching along. It seems to be speeding up, not slowing down. In fact, it honestly feels like it is flying right now.

But enough of all that. Let's talk about you. The teenage you. You are growing up so much. You are much more mature. You know WAY too much about WAY too many topics. And sometimes you think you know even more than you really do, but that's pretty normal for teenagers from what I remember. We give you a hard time sometimes because you don't study much (or at all), but you do what has to be done to make all A's and B's, so I guess we shouldn't complain too much. (Of course you COULD make all A's if you studied a little bit). You've made a few questionable (ok, some were just bad) choices this year, but not too many, and they were good learning experiences. I hope we all learned from them and that it will lead to better choices in the future. I wish you didn't spend so much time in your room on your video games.

But, for the most part, you are SUCH an AMAZING kid. Seriously. You are caring and think of others. You are a great friend. Your teachers all love you and brag and brag about what a great kid you are. You are a GREAT big brother. In fact, you have even recently started making a real effort to be nice to Chloe. You two are getting along much better and it makes my heart so happy, but your heart really belongs to your littlest sister right now and you are precious with her. You are becoming more and more responsible and you are so fun to hang out with. You are funny and charming and I love spending time with you.

During my sickness, you were great. Always willing to help out, always asking how I feel, giving me a hug and kiss, and wearing your t-shirt to support me. It meant so much to me.

As much as I sometimes wish I could slow time down, I am also excited to see what you become over the next 5 years or so. I know there is much more growing and learning to do and I can't wait to see what you become. This is the beginning of such an exciting time... your future really solidifying. This is the beginning of  such a terrifying time... so many important choices you will have to make. And everyday you will step a little further away. I can't make the choices for you, but I will be here to help if you need me. I can't solve the problems that may arise, but I will walk beside you when you need me. One thing I will always promise you is that I will be praying for you. Praying for your safety, your success, your happiness, your growth, your learning, your choices, and most of all that you will seek the Lord and His purpose for your life. I know that these next few years are going to filled with wonderful things, but also are going to come with some scary things, some uncertain things, some disappointing things. There will be times your heart will soar with happiness and there may be times it breaks with sadness. I pray that God will give me the right words to say and the guide me in the right things to do to be there for your, but I also pray that God will remind you of His promises and that you will trust him. I pray that God will mold you into the person you need to be to serve Him. Remember as you face these times of change that He goes before you.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“Don’t let anyone look down on your because you are young. Instead, set an example for the believers through your speech, behavior, love, faith and purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Happy 13th birthday, buddy! I am so very proud of you. I love you so much. And I'm so glad I'm your mom.

Love,
Mom

Last Step

Hebrews 10:23 Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalms 36:5 Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.

Port comes out today! Great is your faithfulness! Trusting in your promise and hope for the future!

I'm so glad to get this thing removed. I know I am forever changed by this journey, but I'm glad for this part to be over.  And I don't know exactly what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. I'm so excited to feel healthy again and enjoy this summer with my family!

No Mo Chemo!

No mo chemo! Well, almost- when this pump comes off Friday! A great day for sure.

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

I really can't say enough wonderful things about the nurses who cared for me in the infusion lab. They are angels! They are so hard-working, efficient, conscientious, but also so kind, caring, and encouraging. I was amazed just watching them work. I was also touched each week by the various patients I was sharing my day with. Some were the same ones week after week, some changed. I often prayed for them, especially the ones I saw frequently. I will continue to pray for their recovery, health, and happiness. I will continue to pray for the older man who came by himself each week (that I mentioned earlier). I was happy to see he seemed to be less confused and scared as time went by.  There was one middle-aged man whose brother brought him each week. At the end of his treatment, he was so weak his brother would have to help him into his wheelchair and put his jacket on for him. The care and love between them touched my heart. There was one lady who I saw several times with her husband, but one time in particular I overheard her talking to the nurses about her daughter's wedding coming up this weekend. The next time, she was telling them all about how beautiful it was. Of course, one of my favorites was the father of a sweet family we know from North Middle. We sat near them when we could and would pass the time chitchatting. I saw several people ring the bell while I was there and a couple of times a nurse was working on me at the time and would whisper, "That will be you soon." 

My treatment was so short compared to so many... some were ringing that bell after YEARS of treatment. My treatment was so mild compared to so many... I walked in and out under my own power, I didn't require oxygen to breathe, I kept my hair (for the most part), I sat and worked while getting my infusion instead of being knocked out.  I wasn't waiting to find out if it worked, like so many. I wasn't anxiously awaiting for the results of a scan while hope and life hung in the balance. My journey was not fun. I wouldn't wish either the mildest chemotherapy treatment on my worst enemy, but I'm thankful that I handled it so well and that the Lord protected me and kept me healthy throughout it. I'm thankful for the blessings and the strength, courage, love, hope, and faith that I witnessed every other week in that infusion room. No one ever wants to face a cancer diagnosis or treatment, but in the end there are blessings to be found in all circumstances. 

Most of all, I'm SO THANKFUL for NO MO CHEMO!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my LAST chemo! I am actually excited to go because it means it will be DONE. It will take a few weeks to feel better, but I know it’s OVER. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how I traveled the last few months and stayed productive at work, home, and in my doctorate classes. It definitely was not alone. I know that much for sure. When I look back at this time in my life, I will definitely see one set of footprints in the sand. The only way forward was through it, so that’s what I set my self to do- get through it one day, one treatment, one deadline, one due date at a time- but still, there really is no explanation other than God carried me, even when I was too exhausted to pray. And he sent angels to help me at just the right time. A meal, an uplifting card, a thoughtful treat, some well-timed lip balm, the perfect gift, an invitation for my kids to have some fun... time and again I have been overwhelmed (often to tears) by the love and support I have received. And never, ever can I say enough about the love and support I have received from my family- Matthew Tinker encouraged me to keep going in my doctorate, took over EVERYTHING at home even when I was healthy so I could work ahead on school work, never left my side even when I insisted I was ok, graciously accepted help on my behalf even when I said I could make it, and made sure I was able to have a little fun here and there. I am a very lucky wife and he has definitely upheld his vows- in sickness and in health. My children have been precious- selfless at ages known for selfishness, helpful, kind, loving, forgiving, and understanding. And I can never thank my parents enough for the care they have provided when I could not. When you get a wonderful surprise like Caroline a little later in life, grandparents are also a little older, and I know chasing a two year old is not easy for them (or raising 13 chicks to distract Chloe).But, we could have never made it without them and I am so thankful for them. Work family, friends, teachers, neighbors, church, community- thank you for carrying us through with your love, prayers, and support. We had fun celebrating the day before NO MO Chemo today!

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

Laughter Is The Best Medicine- #5

As we were walking in to the treatment center this morning, Matthew was telling me that the other night when he came to bed I sat up and said, "Don't start in on me. There wasn't a place for her experience on her resume." He said, "whose resume?" and I said, "Caroline's!". Apparently after a little bit more conversation about our two year old's resume, I just started laughing uncontrollably. I have NO recollection of this, but it also made me laugh uncontrollably when he was telling me so I could barely even give the woman my name. Starting a day like today with laughter is the best way to start!

Here we go! Let's get this done! Almost there.

Philippians 3:13-14 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 12:1-3 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Focus on the Finish #5

Tomorrow is my next to last treatment! Praise God! Just two more to go! But, I gotta tell you, I am dreading them in the worst way. I still don't feel 100% from the last one and the memory of that icky feeling is still really strong. Just the thought of tomorrow or just touching my port makes me feel slightly nauseous. I am really trying to focus on the positive and the finish line, but it's tough. Praying to stay positive and finish strong. Keeping my eyes on summer- feeling good, port gone, and getting healthy!

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Happy Easter!

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future. And life is worth the living, just because He lives."

I'm so thankful for a living savior who takes care of me and holds my future so that I don't have to fear. 

I was still recovering from my treatment on Easter. I couldn't go to church this Easter, which was very sad for me, but we made the best of it. Caroline had fun hunting eggs in our living room!

Stupid Cancer #4

Everything went well today. Effects are getting a little worse and lasting longer each time. But they are still manageable. After a few days, I can function at work and at home even if I’m not completely 100%. I kind of expect to have some continuous effects from now until the end, but I can make it. Nothing else to do, but get through it.

The hardest thing for me is feeling less than 100% and having less patience and energy with my kiddos. It is really physically difficult for me to carry Caroline and “wrestle” her when bathing, dressing, etc. She needs to potty train and give up her paci and I just can’t do it right now. We will have a busy summer! It is also hard for me to play and interact as much as I’d like. The older two are so loving and understanding, and helpful. I could not ask for more, but Caroline is too little to understand. She is pulling away from me and becoming very attached to her daddy. She even cries for him when I am right there beside her sometimes. She asks me frequently if my “boo-boo” is gone and if I “feel all better”. When I am feeling better and can carry her or play, she’ll ask with surprise “Are you all better? Are you holding me?”. It is hard on this momma’s heart. Especially with my last baby. I felt the other two really pull away when a new baby came along and was looking forward to not having that happen this time. But, life has a way of changing your plans and expectations.

I know God has a plan and I and my family have already had so many blessings as a result of this bump in the road. We have gained new perspectives, learned more and grown more than I could have ever thought possible- all of us. We have witnessed God’s faithfulness and the demonstration of his perfect love through his people again and again. So, I also look for the blessings in this and seeing Matthew play, interact with, soothe, and care for his last baby girl on a daily basis is a blessing for sure (even if it stings a little). She also gets lots of extra love and attention from her grandparents.

 The countdown is on to ringing that bell. The oncologist used the C-word today- not cancer, but CURE! Praise God!

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13.

“I lift my eyes unto to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth. And I will praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands. For you are who you are no matter where I am. And every tear I’ve cried you hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.” Casting Crowns, “Praise You In This Storm”. (Reference to Psalm 121:1-2).

Clothed in Strength and Dignity- #4

Love all my sweet co-workers who bought and wore shirts today in support of my 4th treatment cycle tomorrow! One boy stopped me in the hallway and said, “I wish I had one of those shirts!”❤️

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future” Proverbs 31:25

1/2 Way! #3

1/2 way! Today’s treatment went smoothly- memories of a truly magical vacation sure did help the spirits. Looking forward to resting and recuperating the rest of the week.

3 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

#2

Uneventful and painless day today. White blood count a little lower than the “limit” so have to add another med that may cause some additional “flu-like” symptoms and have to be careful about exposure the next few days. Basically as a friend said, “I am on precautionary tamiflu to prevent getting the flu, while taking a medication that may make me feel like I have the flu, and I will be taking a very specific OTC allergy medication that lessen those symptoms”. It’s all so strange, but I just do what I’m told.

Trust I’ve been placed with the right dr and that he is part of God’s plan for me.

I felt better today than I did day 1 last time. Maybe the steroids worked better- Matthew said I was overly outgoing and friendly in the hours after treatment. Starting to “come down” a little now, but still doing ok so far. Clearing my schedule for the big crash Friday-Sunday if I follow the same pattern as last time. I was hoping to work tomorrow, but can’t this time because of white blood count.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Happy, Sleepless Nights- #2

My heart is so happy tonight and I can hardly sleep- Chloe is reading Tuck Everlasting- my favorite young adult book of all time! I got to discuss the Ferris wheel analogy in the prologue and point out all the rich, sensory and figurative language and the author’s foreshadowing. It was all I could do not to have her illustrate chapter 5 and be sure to include ALL of the details the author gives about the wood, spring, and Jesse the first time Winnie sees him. I also feel she is missing out because we didn’t read Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken First. But, she is loving the book and really “getting” it and I’m loving getting to read the beautiful words of this story and discuss it with someone again. I’m such a nerd.

But I should be asleep- treatment #2 tomorrow. Not gonna lie- kinda dreading this weekend now that I know what to expect, but at least I know it’s only temporary and I’ll feel better in a few days.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

Happy Valentine's Day- #1

Happy Valentine’s Day! Today was a better or worse, sickness and health type of day. I am so thankful for Matthew and his care for me. It was an interesting and emotional day as the lady beside me had an allergic reaction right after we got started, which caused quite a bit of activity from nurses and doctors. All we could do was pray for her, but watching my husband pray brought me peace and comfort. There was also an elderly man across from me all by himself. He could barely hear, was obviously terrified, and kept getting confused about what they were telling him. I so wanted to just go hold his hand. Matthew offered to bring him some lunch, but it wasn’t allowed. We were also given Valentine’s candy from, I assume from how the nurse were reacting to her, either a current or former patient. She was wiping tears away as she handed out the candy to the patients. This experience teaches a lot about compassion, blessings everywhere on this day of love.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3, 13

Preparing for Battle

I have a big week ahead. Port is being placed tomorrow morning and first chemo on Wednesday. I know God has it all under control, so I’m not nervous. Just anxious to see how I react and to know what to expect for the next three months.

17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” 2 Chronicles 20:17