New Beginnings

As I begin this blog, we have a new beginning in our house. We have been blessed with a new baby girl, Chloe Elizabeth. 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 21 3/4 inches of pure joy arrived in our lives on June 14, 2008 at 2:40 p.m.

Miraculously, I was blessed with a fairly easy pregnancy (after the morning sickness subsided). I was not plagued with any of the problems that I had with Evan. I did not have to have any bedrest, I had no swelling, I made it all the way to 39 weeks and went into labor on my own. I also only had to push about 6 pushes unlike the 3 hours I endured with Evan. The atmosphere in the delivery room was relaxed and happy as she entered the world (thank you to my wonderful anaesthesiologist). The proud grandparents came into visit and then it was time for Evan to meet his new little sister. I don't think I will ever forget the interaction between the two. It was so precious. He was in awe and amazement of her and fell in love with her immediately. He has never shown any jealousy or resentment toward her and wants her to be happy and well cared for. We stayed in the hospital for only 24 hours and then we were on our way home.
She has been with us for six weeks now, but in some ways it feels like forever. I think it is a little hard for any of us to remember life without her, even Evan. In other ways, I feel like the last six weeks have gone by in a blink of an eye. She has changed so much already. She is bigger and stronger and more alert. Her beautiful blue eyes (will they stay blue?) take in everything. She smiles and coos at us. She is even starting to reach out and bat things. She has already changed from a snuggly little newborn lump to a little person who is interacting with her environment. I try so hard to cherish every moment, to drink in every minute, to store every memory away, but it goes by so fast. Life happens and we get so caught up in the day to day that minutes, hours, days, weeks slip by before we realize it. Then, something happens that snaps me out of it and makes me step back and slow down and appreciate what I have. Like the sound of my little boy over the monitor talking to his new baby sister who is waking up in our bedroom, "Shhh, it's ok. Don't cry. Don't worry, mommy will feed you, Baby Chloe (pronounced "Ch" as in church, Ch-oey). You were in her tummy and you just popped right out! Now you are sooo cute, little flower." Now if that doesn't bring tears to your eyes, I don't know what will.

Babies do not come easily for our family. Those who know us well, know that we "tried" for almost a year before we were blessed with Evan. Month after month of disappointment can definitely take a toll on a couple. I will never forget when we finally got that positive, we were jumping around everywhere. And I will never forget how I felt when he was placed in my arms. I remember thanking God and thinking to myself that never in my life had I known what real gratitude was until that moment. And then there was our journey for Chloe. We didn't really "plan" to increase our family at first, we got a welcome surprise when Evan was about 15 months old. But alas, it was too good to be true and started us on a heartbreaking quest for a second child that ultimately ended in joy! Three miscarriages, many tears, many prayers and a specialist later and finally we can hold our dream in our arms. So, when we say we are blessed, we know how true that is. We understand that our children are truly miracles. And when I say I cherish every minute of their lives, I can assure you this is true.

Now with Chloe safely in our arms, the pain seems a distant memory. Matthew and I have discussed how surreal it was in the delivery room. So easy and simple (I had a very easy delivery compared to Evan's), so happy and natural, like it is an occurrence that could happen every single day. And for many that is what childbirth is, but to us it is a rare miracle that we can only marvel at. We can barely believe our good fortune after so much loss. We know that our four precious angels were watching over us in heaven as their sister made her way into this world to ease our emptiness and complete our family. We can't wait to see where this new adventure takes us and to continue to watch our children grow and change every day into the people they will become. So, in honor of our dream coming true with the birth of our daughter and in memory of the four babies we lost, I dedicate this first post to our new beginning.

I found this poem on the Internet when I was grieving after my losses and it brought me comfort. I didn't write it, but I do read it often to remind myself of the promise I made myself to cherish every moment of my children's lives and of all that we learned and gained during what seemed like a senselessly cruel time in our lives.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.