Two years ago today I went to a regular doctor's appointment when I was 12 weeks pregnant with what was to be our second child. I was going to have the
nuchal fold translucency test, which is a first trimester screening test that
my doctor's office offers to all patients. It is basically an ultrasound that measures the thickness of the skin fold at the back of the baby's neck and combines that measurement with a
bloodtest and other factors such as your age to determine the percentage of risk that your baby might be born with Down syndrome or one of the
Trisomy disorders. It is an optional test, but since I'm the type of person who needs as much information as possible (and because it means I will get another ultrasound) I always opt for the test. I was not at all nervous. I went by myself because Matthew didn't feel he could miss work and this being the second baby and all we didn't see the need for him to be at every appointment. I had kind of wanted him to go, just so he could see the ultrasound, but I was not worried at all. I had had a little spotting early on, around 8 weeks, but we had gone for an ultrasound that week and had seen a healthy baby with a healthy heartbeat and the spotting had immediately stopped. I had been sick as a dog for the last 12 weeks and they say that is a good sign. I was now at 12 weeks, which I thought was the magic number, and I felt confident. In fact, I was elated while driving to the
dr. on a gorgeous fall morning. I was just struck by how HAPPY with my life I was. It was a feeling that I never had again when on my way to a
dr. visit while pregnant.
They called me back for my ultrasound and I was so excited to see my little baby. I knew that he/she would look like a baby now instead of like an alien. Although, still tiny, it's little
body would be perfectly formed and I would get to see it swimming around in my uterus. I couldn't wait. When she started the ultrasound, I got an uneasy feeling. I remembered from this ultrasound with Evan that as soon as they started, I saw his whole body. But, this time it was like the tech had it zoomed in so close that I couldn't tell what she was looking at. Also, she had been all chatty and friendly and after saying "Here we go" and after placing the wand on my belly she had not said another word. I watched her face as she studied the screen and moved the wand all over my abdomen. I was definitely starting to worry, but I was too afraid to ask any questions. Then, she said, I just can't see exactly what I need to, so I'd like to do a vaginal ultrasound. I didn't even ask any questions then as I went to undress, but I knew that this was not normal. They had no trouble seeing what they needed to with Evan and I was only 11 weeks along with him. I tried to convince myself that it was because I was heavier now than I had been with Evan, but I prayed for strength as I undressed. When I went back out and she started the other ultrasound I saw my little baby on the screen. It was lying very still on it's back on the bottom of my uterus, but Evan had looked the same way. He had been sleeping. The tech had had to poke my tummy to wake him up. But this tech did not poke. Finally, I gathered all my courage and said, "Is something wrong?" She said, "I'm sorry, I wanted to get a closer look to be sure, but I don't see a heartbeat." She showed me on the screen where they should be able to see it and then she took some measurements. I studied the image of my perfect baby through my tears on the screen. He/she was perfectly formed. Head, abdomen, arms, legs, all perfect. I was too shaken up to even ask for a picture, but later I wished I had (some may think that's strange), but regardless the image is
ingrained in my mind.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:13-16
Finally, she left the room for me to get dressed. I immediately broke down and then just as immediately I began to pray. A calm and understanding came over me. It was ok to be sad, but I knew God was with me. He knew my pain. And although I could not understand, I knew this was part of God's plan for me, for my baby. I was sad, grieving, but I was also filled with a peace and I was calmed.
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. Ecclesiastes 11:5
As I finished the appointment and headed to my car to call Matthew I was struck by a gratitude that I had been able to have my baby with me for as long as I had and for the happiness that child had brought me in those weeks. When Matthew arrived to get me, he said "It's strange how you can miss someone that you never even knew." I understood what he meant, but I didn't feel that way. I felt like I had known that little life. It was part of me and had etched its place in my heart already. And that is what this post is really about.. a celebration of life.
I remember exactly what I was doing when I found out this little one was on its way. It was August and it was hot. I was sitting on the back steps watching Evan play and all of a sudden I felt
nauseous. It was a familiar feeling. Morning sickness is a kind of sickness that is unique.
Hmmm, I thought. I went inside and looked at the calendar...
hmmm. Evan and I were getting ready to head to
Wal-Mart for our weekly grocery trip. I didn't say anything to Matthew. When we got to
Wal-Mart I went and bought a pregnancy test first thing and then drug my 15 month old child into the public restroom to take it! It turned positive immediately! I couldn't believe it!! I was SO happy. I immediately began thanking God. It had been a struggle to get pregnant with Evan and I couldn't believe our good fortune. I was ecstatic! I got myself together and went back into the store and got a buggy to shop. I went straight to the baby section and looked for a fun way to break the news to Matthew. This is what we came up with. When we got home Evan gave him a present and this is what was inside:
A few weeks later we got to get our first glimpse of our new baby. I was 8 weeks pregnant and everything looked just perfect:
The ultrasound tech wrote "baby praying" on this picture.
We found out that baby bean was due May 16. Evan's birthday is May 24. At first, I was a little disappointed because they would have to share birthdays and such, but the more I thought about it, the more excited I became. If it were a boy, he could wear all of Evan's old clothes. I envisioned common birthday themes. They would be almost exactly 2 years apart. I figured they would be the best of friends! I was a little intimidated by the fact that we would most likely still have two in diapers and the thoughts of a 2 year old and newborn, but I was up for the challenge and I was so excited about it!
This baby made sure I knew he/she was there. I was VERY sick. Even sicker than I was with Evan. For several weeks, I was throwing up 7-8 times per day and when I wasn't throwing up, I felt like it! Teaching 5th graders during this time was challenging. For one thing, um, it was hot and not all 5th graders understand the importance of deodorant (or bathing daily) yet. Yuck! My nose was on overdrive, but I welcomed the sickness because it made me feel "pregnant" and I thought it was a good sign that things were going well.
Around October, I ordered our annual Christmas ornaments. Since we've been married, we've been getting a special ornament or ornaments each year. When we decorate our tree, it is so fun to look back on all of them and remember. This is the one I ordered for us for that year.
Of course, after I lost the baby, I put that ornament in my memory box and I ordered another ornament. A beautiful angel, and had "Always Remembered" written on it. Later I added another ornament for my other three babies and they now hang on our tree each year. Strangely, it does not make me sad when I pull them out, it makes me feel happy... to remember.
I felt like I began showing really early with this baby. My pants were getting tight by about 10 weeks. Since I already had a big box of maternity clothes, I thought, why make myself suffer? I dug out the maternity pants. I did wear them with normal tops so that hopefully people couldn't tell what I was wearing. But I couldn't wait to have an obvious pregnant belly. I couldn't wait to feel the little kicks. I was so excited that my first trimester was almost over. I thought I would be feeling better soon and that the fun was really about to begin. This was on Halloween, the night before my ultrasound. Baby belly?
Our baby was only with us for a short time, but we had hopes and dreams for him/her from the moment we found out about his/her existence. We were filled with joy, excitement, hope, and anticipation from the moment we learned of his/her existence. It was different than with Evan. It was not new. Being pregnant felt familiar and safe. I felt relaxed. I felt confident. It was a feeling I had never felt before and never will again. I look back on that time and those feelings with great happiness and with envy. The feelings I had during my pregnancy with that baby I know I will never have again, unfortunately. The baby was very wanted. The baby was very loved. And the baby brought us a world of happiness in just the 8 short weeks that we knew it. We know that it was not God's will for us to know our baby in life, but we know we will know it in Heaven one day. I have no idea what that meeting will be like. I can't fathom how we will know each other in Heaven, but I believe we will.
These are a few verses that helped me in my grief:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ... Romans 5:1-21
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
"For A Moment"
I saw for just a moment, your little arms and legs.
The little blur they said was you, but now you've gone away.
I heard for just a moment, the beating of your heart.
The sound that held such promise, but soon it would depart.
I dreamt for just a moment, of the day I'd hold you tight.
I'd listen for your little breath, and rock you through the night.
I cried for just a moment, when they said that you had gone.
I laid alone in silence that seemed so very long.
I prayed for just a moment, that you would be reborn.
Into His arms you would come and forever would be warm.
I was for just a moment, the mother of a child.
Who moved and lived and meant so much, if only for a while.
In that single moment, when I finally said farewell.
I knew that we would meet again, when time will only tell.
An angel wrote a name in the book of life, with a sigh she closed the book and whispered, “Too Beautiful for Earth”.
So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish. Matthew 18:14
Evan is lovin' Halloween. I think for the sake of his teeth, though, there is going to have to be a tragic accident with his pumpkin. He has eaten nothing but candy for two days now. Do Skittles and Starburst count as fruit? I'm thinking, not so much. This is Evan playing "trick or treat" today. The thing on his head... "Well, it's kind of like a doo rag, but it's just my blue blankie pretending."