Dear Caroline,

Happy birthday sweet girl! You are ONE today! I've been fine leading up to this and then now, all of a sudden, I find myself so very weepy. To say your first year has gone by fast, would be an understatement. It has been a blink of an eye. There weren't enough days to snuggle you when you were teeny tiny and totally dependent on me. Even though I told myself to cherish every single one. Even though I sat on the couch for hours and held you and watched you and smelled you. I blinked and you were rolling around and kicking and laughing. There weren't enough days to marvel in your gorgeous, gummy smile. To watch your face light up when you saw me. I blinked and you were sitting up and clapping. There weren't enough days to watch your big smile while you played, to enjoy your snuggles while you were still confined in one place. I blinked and you were crawling and suddenly you were on the go! Your gummy smile was replaced by sweet little teeth. You started playing patty cake and eating food, crawling up the stairs, into everything. Here we are... my baby is quickly turning into a little toddler. And it has gone so very fast.

But, I knew it would. It did with Evan. After I saw how very fast it went with him, I thought, next time I will pay attention. I will savor it. I will appreciate each day. And then I blinked and Chloe was one. So, the speed of this first year is not a shock to me. Although I did purposely savor each day and each stage you were in, enjoying even the challenging times when I wanted to sleep because I know in the long-run they are just a tiny blip in time, it has still raced by. So, I do find myself a little weepy today. I will never have another tiny baby. Never feel another baby from inside. Never experience the miracle of birth again. As you grow, we pack things up that we will not need again for that season of our lives has passed.

But, I've been here before. I thought the season had already passed. You were a wonderful surprise. A chance to experience this season again. I have been so very grateful for this opportunity that I sometimes find myself overwhelmed with joy. It is so hard to believe that a little less than 2 years ago, you were not even a twinkle in our eye. We had not plans for you. We did not see you in our future, either short-term or long-term. But, God did. He knew you would complete our family and our hearts and our lives. He knew our future needed you in it. He knew I needed one more glimpse of this season of life. He knew Chloe needed to be a big sister and that Evan needed to fall in love with a tiny little soul. He knew Daddy needed to be wrapped around the finger of one more little lady. He even knew Hudson needed to be a big brother. He had it planned all along and just smiled as we planned our lives without you. Now, it is so hard to believe that we ever had a plan that did not include you. In fact, I can't even really remember those plans at all. So, as fast as this year has gone, in some ways it seems as if you have been with us forever. I can't even recall what life looked like before Caroline. God's plan for us was perfect.

But, God has another plan. A plan for you. Even as He knew that we needed you in our lives, He also knew that you had a very special purpose. More than just completing our family. More than filling all our hearts with love until they almost burst. He has a plan for you and a purpose for you. Something just for you and no one else. I can't wait to see it unfold. I pray that you seek His purpose for you and run to Him and trust Him to show you the way. I pray for so much for you, baby girl, protection (always), health, happiness, love, but more than anything I pray for His will in your life. Because I know that if that is fulfilled all the other things will come.

Caroline, I want you to know how much I love you. When I look at you, when I kiss your cheek and your hair and feel the silkiness and smell that wonderful baby smell. When you smile at me with your little teeth and wrinkle your nose up. When you lay your head on my shoulder and snuggle. My cup runneth over. You bring me a joy that I really can't describe. I felt the same with your brother and sister. I remember being overwhelmed with love with Evan. He was my first  and I had never felt and couldn't even imagine a love like that. I remember feeling overwhelmed with Chloe. She was my second. I couldn't imagine how my heart could stretch enough for both of them, but it did. But, with you, I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. I can look at you just as you are today and enjoy it because I know tomorrow you will change, but unlike the feeling of sand slipping though my fingers that I have felt before.... the desperate feeling of trying to hold onto something as they change right before my eyes. Too fast. Too much. This time I know that with each day comes new joys, new blessings. I will not try to hold you back. I will not try to stop the sand from slipping through. I will embrace each day, each change, each phase, each season and rejoice.

But, if you could  slow down, I wouldn't mind. I love you, sweet baby! Have the happiest of first birthdays!

Love,
Mommy