Back to School

Matthew headed back to school this week (actually Thursday of last week) and since he has inservice and time to work in his room before the students come we decided we would take a field trip to visit daddy's school today and to show Chloe off to all of our co-workers (this is the school I work at as well). Ok, so motherhood is not always roses and butterflies. Chloe was an angel, but Evan... oh my! First of all, Daddy has a new fish tank in his classroom, but he has no fish right now. Evan could not accept this. He wanted desperately to feed the fish that weren't there. He wanted to catch them with the net. And when we finally convinced him that those activities could not be done without actual fish.. he wanted to go to the "fish store" and buy them RIGHT NOW! He went to see the snakes in Mrs. G's room, but she dared to not have lizards for him to see. Back to whining about the fish that do not exist. Another teacher dared to have a present for Baby Chloe, but not for Evan! So, we finally decided to leave and go to get some lunch. Evan does not want to go to a restaurant, he wants to go HOME! But, this is mommy's only chance for a lunch out, sweetie. Sweetie doesn't care so much about mommy's day out. Finally I agreed we would go home. But then he doesn't want to leave. He wants to wait in the car for his surprise that Daddy is getting him (that Daddy doesn't know about) and when asked repeatedly what surprise he is waiting for his response is: "I DON'T WANT TO TELL!". Ok, so we leave and head home with a very disappointed Mommy and about 5 miles from the school, what do I hear from the back seat? "Mommy, can I have something to eat? I'm starving. I can't wait until I get home. I'm so "hungy"! Deep breath, count to 10. Naptime anyone? Whoever said the two's were terrible obviously never raised a three year old!

The Magic of Childhood

I got to witness firsthand the innocent faith that comes with childhood the other day. As I was nursing Chloe, Evan brought my corn on the cob holders (it's amazing what he can find when I'm tied down by nursing), his blue blankie, and a drum stick into the room. I watched as he carefully placed the corn holders on the floor at my feet, covered them with his blue blankie, waved the drumstick over the entire thing and said ABRA-CA-DABRA! With a flourish he removed the blue blankie..... as adults we all know and expect that the corn holders were still there. The look on my child's face however, was priceless! He was in total shock and confusion that they were still there. He had fully expected that they would disappear. It had never occurred to him that magic was not real or that his trick would not work. He scratched his head and repeated the entire process again, this time repeating the magic words three times for good measure. Again, the corn holders were still there when he removed his blankie. Again, he looks completely surprised. He then scratches his head again and says, "Hmmm, this making things disappear is very tricky. Mommy, can you help me make them disappear?" I wish I could, baby, if nothing else, so that this innocence, faith, and belief in magic could remain in you forever.

And He said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.Matthew 18:2-4 (in Context) Matthew 18 (Whole Chapter)

Hi-YA!

Evan went to see the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with his dad at the free movies this summer. Ever since he has been obsessed with being a "tuttle injun" or turtle ninja for those who don't speak Evan-ese. He runs throughout the house screaming "Aye-YA, Aye-YA" as he fights off imaginary monsters in every room in the house. And every request we make must be preceded by "That is what a turtle ninja would do, eat, say, etc" if we have any hope of him complying. He and his dad act out scenes from the movie and we were the best parents ever when we recently returned home from a consignment sale with a $5.00 bag of TMNT action figures (and Power Rangers which we convinced him were the Ninja Foot Clan). We've had to do some instruction on who he is allowed to fight (like Mommy doesn't particularly enjoy fighting and fighting Grandmommy or Granddaddy Ben is just downright dangerous) and when fighting is appropriate (like not when we are trying to get dressed, brush your teeth, or go to bed), but all in all, it is fun to watch him imagine and play. I had to laugh when I was trying to get Chloe to bed the other night and he was "Aye-ya-ing" around our bedroom. Finally in frustration I told him he would have to leave.... his response... He very solemnly looked at Chloe and I in the rocking chair and said "Good night, dark prince" and then left the room. This new "violent" side has been an adjustment though. I told Matthew, my sweet baby is gone. And it is true, he is such a little boy now instead of a baby. At the doctor's office today I was reading a magazine about children and an article said: "Put her to sleep yourself every night. Sing to her and cradle her in your arms and sit by her side-every night. Because one day you won't be able to carry her anymore, and it's going to happen really fast." That really hit me as I thought of how Evan still wants me to carry him upstairs to bed sometimes and I can barely make it up the stairs with him because he is so big! How did he get so big so fast?! Wasn't it just yesterday that he looked like this?

New Beginnings

As I begin this blog, we have a new beginning in our house. We have been blessed with a new baby girl, Chloe Elizabeth. 8 pounds, 7 ounces and 21 3/4 inches of pure joy arrived in our lives on June 14, 2008 at 2:40 p.m.

Miraculously, I was blessed with a fairly easy pregnancy (after the morning sickness subsided). I was not plagued with any of the problems that I had with Evan. I did not have to have any bedrest, I had no swelling, I made it all the way to 39 weeks and went into labor on my own. I also only had to push about 6 pushes unlike the 3 hours I endured with Evan. The atmosphere in the delivery room was relaxed and happy as she entered the world (thank you to my wonderful anaesthesiologist). The proud grandparents came into visit and then it was time for Evan to meet his new little sister. I don't think I will ever forget the interaction between the two. It was so precious. He was in awe and amazement of her and fell in love with her immediately. He has never shown any jealousy or resentment toward her and wants her to be happy and well cared for. We stayed in the hospital for only 24 hours and then we were on our way home.
She has been with us for six weeks now, but in some ways it feels like forever. I think it is a little hard for any of us to remember life without her, even Evan. In other ways, I feel like the last six weeks have gone by in a blink of an eye. She has changed so much already. She is bigger and stronger and more alert. Her beautiful blue eyes (will they stay blue?) take in everything. She smiles and coos at us. She is even starting to reach out and bat things. She has already changed from a snuggly little newborn lump to a little person who is interacting with her environment. I try so hard to cherish every moment, to drink in every minute, to store every memory away, but it goes by so fast. Life happens and we get so caught up in the day to day that minutes, hours, days, weeks slip by before we realize it. Then, something happens that snaps me out of it and makes me step back and slow down and appreciate what I have. Like the sound of my little boy over the monitor talking to his new baby sister who is waking up in our bedroom, "Shhh, it's ok. Don't cry. Don't worry, mommy will feed you, Baby Chloe (pronounced "Ch" as in church, Ch-oey). You were in her tummy and you just popped right out! Now you are sooo cute, little flower." Now if that doesn't bring tears to your eyes, I don't know what will.

Babies do not come easily for our family. Those who know us well, know that we "tried" for almost a year before we were blessed with Evan. Month after month of disappointment can definitely take a toll on a couple. I will never forget when we finally got that positive, we were jumping around everywhere. And I will never forget how I felt when he was placed in my arms. I remember thanking God and thinking to myself that never in my life had I known what real gratitude was until that moment. And then there was our journey for Chloe. We didn't really "plan" to increase our family at first, we got a welcome surprise when Evan was about 15 months old. But alas, it was too good to be true and started us on a heartbreaking quest for a second child that ultimately ended in joy! Three miscarriages, many tears, many prayers and a specialist later and finally we can hold our dream in our arms. So, when we say we are blessed, we know how true that is. We understand that our children are truly miracles. And when I say I cherish every minute of their lives, I can assure you this is true.

Now with Chloe safely in our arms, the pain seems a distant memory. Matthew and I have discussed how surreal it was in the delivery room. So easy and simple (I had a very easy delivery compared to Evan's), so happy and natural, like it is an occurrence that could happen every single day. And for many that is what childbirth is, but to us it is a rare miracle that we can only marvel at. We can barely believe our good fortune after so much loss. We know that our four precious angels were watching over us in heaven as their sister made her way into this world to ease our emptiness and complete our family. We can't wait to see where this new adventure takes us and to continue to watch our children grow and change every day into the people they will become. So, in honor of our dream coming true with the birth of our daughter and in memory of the four babies we lost, I dedicate this first post to our new beginning.

I found this poem on the Internet when I was grieving after my losses and it brought me comfort. I didn't write it, but I do read it often to remind myself of the promise I made myself to cherish every moment of my children's lives and of all that we learned and gained during what seemed like a senselessly cruel time in our lives.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.