Well, since Matthew has pretty much told everyone we know anyway* that we are discussing possibly trying to have a third child somewhere down the road,** I thought I would blog about it!
* against my wishes and advisement (see below)
** Disclaimer: No, I am not pregnant. No, we are not "trying". It will be somewhere down the road... like a year or more most likely. So, please don't start asking about it every month.
No offense or anything, but seriously if someone is pregnant and they want you to know they will tell you. There is honestly nothing worse than having everyone you know getting in tune with your cycle and calling you each month to ask if it "worked". If it didn't you feel terrible all over again. The only thing worse is that maybe it did "work", but you don't want to tell anyone for a while because you've had 3 miscarriages (and you've learned that having to go back and "untell" people you are pregnant really stinks), but now you've been asked a question point blank. Do you lie? They will obviously know you were lying in a few months (hopefully). And I'm a really bad liar. AND it really kind of robs the person of the opportunity to find a cute and fun way to let you know on their own terms. Nothing cute and fun about, "Uhhhhh, well, actually, yeah, I guess I am. But we don't want anyone to know yet. So, please don't tell anyone."
So, don't ask. If they want you to know, they will tell you. And they will tell you when they want you to know and you should not be hurt if they don't tell you until they are like 15-16 weeks along because maybe they were trying to spare you the discomfort and pain of them having to call you and tell you they are no longer pregnant.
Ok. Disclaimer over. Whew! I feel better. I hope you will forgive me for speaking so bluntly, but that's something I've been wanting to get off my chest and it's much easier to blurt it all out in cyberspace than to a friend or family member's face.
Alrighty then, so back to the discussion we've been having. It actually goes a little something like this....
Amanda: So, Matthew, about that baby thing.....
Matthew: silence
a few minutes go by
Amanda: So.....
Matthew: silence
a few minutes go by
Amanda: So, have you thought anymore about that baby thing?
Matthew: Yeah, I've been thinking I don't want another baby.
Amanda: silence
a few minutes go by
Amanda: So, about that baby thing...
You get the picture.
In fact it is so bad, that yesterday when I was in the office getting our principal to explain something about test data to me, Matthew put him up to saying
"So, Amanda....."
And my face turned very, very red. See, I told you he's been telling everyone we know. Basically, he's been telling everyone we know that I want a third baby and he doesn't.
See, the thing is that we had always said three children before we started having children. And even after Evan was born, we still said three children. But, when we had all of our trouble trying to get Chloe we kind of both decided that if we were fortunate enough to get one more healthy child that we would count our blessings and quit. I never fully agreed, but I did say I would think about it :). It didn't help Matthew's stance on things that Evan went into the terrifying threes when Chloe was born.
But, the thing is now I feel like I really want another baby. In fact, if I could I would probably have 2 more or possibly even 3 more. In fact, there is something wildly appealing to me about the Duggar method of just leaving the number and timing of each child up to God. Now that would really send chills down Matthew's spine, you know, if he ever actually read my blog. But, I realize that 4 or 5 kids is unrealistic for us for many reasons, not the least of which is that Matthew doesn't want to have that many children. And so, I've settled for 3. I've compromised on three. What more does he want?
Well, actually, he doesn't want more period. But, he's still thinking and I'm still asking and waiting for him to come around.
He's trying to convince me to get a dog, instead.
Here's a breakdown of our discussion thus far.
Matthew: But, we're perfect. 2 kids- a boy and a girl, house with a picket fence, if we just get a dog we'll be the perfectly average American family.
Amanda: But, I don't want to be average, I want to be exceptional.
Matthew: But, I'm tired and I'm old. I don't have the energy for another kid.
Amanda: Nonsense! Children keep you young.
Matthew: But, just think, in 17 short years the kids will be grown and out of the house. It will be just me and you. We can move to a condo, or a houseboat, travel, go out to dinner every night. It will be great!
Amanda: I don't look forward to those years. I can't imagine being happier than I am right now. The thought of not having children in the house anymore depresses me. And I'm never living on a houseboat!
Matthew: But, can we afford another baby?
Amanda: Babies are cheap! If I breastfeed, we don't even have to buy food for the whole first year.
Matthew: But, that means 3 in braces, 3 cars, 3 college education, 2 weddings...
Amanda: Evan doesn't look like he will need braces, he has my teeth. And the new baby might not be a girl so that would eliminate one wedding. And those things will all work themselves out. That's years away!
Matthew: But, I feel like I barely see the two kids we have. I don't feel like I have enough time for another baby. Another baby would take more attention away from the two we have.
Amanda: But look at all they would gain from another sibling! They will always have each other. Even when we are gone, they can depend on each other. And it would be one more sibling to split the duty of caring for their elderly parents with!
Matthew: Are you sure you don't just want to get a dog instead? Chloe loves dogs.
Amanda: Chloe loves caring for baby dolls, too. She would make a great big sister.
In all seriousness, I know it is a big decision. I've thought about it a lot myself. Here is my serious list of pros and cons.
Why We Should Have a Third...
I want another baby.
I want a "larger than average" family
I think another sibling would enhance our children's lives
More children means more grandchildren someday:).
My "baby" years would be extended.
The years I have a child at home would be extended.
I love being pregnant.
I love the experience of childbirth.
I love nursing a newborn baby.
I just want another baby.
I'm just "not ready" to be done.
I just want another baby.
Why We Should Not Have a Third...
We could move out of the baby stage and start doing more fun things as a family.
There will be a fairly large age-gap between the oldest and youngest, making family outings more challenging.
MONEY
It will be hard to allow all three children to be involved in lots of activities logistically.
We are out of bedrooms (not really a serious consideration)
Right now, each child holds a "special spot" in our family- Evan is our only son and Chloe is our only daughter, I wonder how the dynamics will change with another child of one gender.
I worry that which ever gender dominates will cause the other child to feel left out... like if it is a girl, Evan will feel left out, etc. and I really want my children to be close.
There's the whole "middle child" thing and I don't want Chloe to feel that way.
Things are just easier for families of 4- hotel rooms, restaurant tables, plane tickets, rides at amusement parks, etc. With a family of 5 there is always an odd man out.
So, there you have it. I feel there are some legitimate concerns on the "Why We Shouldn't Have a Third"... the main ones for me being the emotional effect it might have on our two children and how it will affect their relationship. Money is a real concern, but I honestly feel it would work itself out. All concerns are currently being trumped by my "baby fever". I realize my list of "Why we shouldn't" outnumbers my list of "Why we should", but it doesn't necessarily outweigh it if that makes any sense.
You know I like to plan and in all fairness, I kind of have to plan since conceiving for me involves specialists and medication and such. Matthew just wants me to wait. We don't have to make a decision now, he says. But, I just want him to say "ok", so at least I know I can plan on it. I just want him to say "yes". But, I'm not sure he's going to.
So, I'm curious... if anyone has actually read this entire novel of a post, what are your feelings on the topic? If your family is complete with one or two, how did you come to that decision? Any regrets? If your family is larger and complete or even still growing, how did you come to that decision?
4 comments:
Good post, and yes I read it all. I don't know if we are done with two. My head tells me yes but my heart says no. I can tell you have definitely 'thought it out' LOL.
I read it all! I know we're just starting our family, so I won't comment on that. But, I enjoyed having two siblings. My brother is 6 years older and my sister is 9 years older than I am. Even with the big age difference, my sister is and has been my best friend for the last 8 - 9 years. I wouldn't change it for the world!
I love this post! I think that it is a struggle for any good, happy mom to decide when to stop. Unless you have 4. Then, you know :) If you're already considering it this strongly, you know you'll regret it later. So I am on TEAM BABY. There is no chance that you will regret having another. I promise you that. Although yes, at times it will be difficult. I wouldn't know what it's like to have 2 of one and one of another, so I can't offer anything on that. I can tell you that there is 9 years difference between Spencer and Ansley and he absolutely adores her, along with Talan. Riley shows the least interest, although he loves her to death as well.
When I began considering having a fourth, which NEVER occured to me until Talan was 3 years old. Never occured to me before then. And I prayed hard about it. And I really did believe that God was going to give me a girl this time. I felt like it was God putting the urge back into me as well, since really I was at complete and total peace with it once I set my eyes on Talan. My desire really really was completely gone. For 3 years.
But once the urge was there, I faced the same decision, as I've written about before. I even had my students in all 6 classes vote on the perfect number of kids in their "ideal" family. I related it to the large New England families back in colonial times. 3and 4 or more won, in case you're wondering. And that is across a group of around 120 4th graders. Hardly anyone voted for 1 child. and 2 got a decent amount of votes, but most did want large families. That provided me a good amount of confidence about my decision.
I do worry about college expenses (not so much about weddings since we only have one girl) and cars, but hey we do get a great discount on higher education anyway, right?
This is your family's decision. But I am on Team Baby, who is a close relative of Team No Regrets :) I also have no interest in my children growing up and leaving me here alone with my husband! They fill this house, and it will never be the same! And whatever you both decide, I wish you the best! You're such a good mommy!
We are still up in the air about a third. We know we would love to have more, but financially are not sure we can do it. Especially if I am going to stay home until they all get into school.
We will keep discussing it and praying about it and we will know what to do when the time comes. If I could just get someone to carry and deliver the baby for me. I would for sure be the duggars!
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